


The Dumbass Motorcycle

by ddani



Series: The Misadventures of the Twilight Characters [2]
Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Deliberate Badfic, Gen, Humor, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-21
Updated: 2014-07-24
Packaged: 2018-02-09 18:59:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1994202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ddani/pseuds/ddani
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bella and Jacob go on a motorcycle ride. (Read the story, ya lazy farts.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore. Also, none of the characters are accurate on purpose.

After Bella woke up from being ded, she found herself with Jacob. On a road. On a motorcycle.

“Jacob???” Bella whined, flies in her teeth.

“Yeah???” He called back, with a mouth guard on.

“Your hair,” Bella spit a few bugs and some of Jacob's long hair from her mouth, “it's getting caught in my braces.”

Bella didn't know where the crap Jacob was taking her, all she knew is that she was done with deaf Edward and his dumb family that wasn't actually a family but who needs semantics? But it wasn't like Bella to ask questions, or to think, or to move her mouth muscles very much.

“Oh, right sorry.” He stopped suddenly, taking off his hair from his head to reveal his bald glory. “I hate this thing, but you know how the pack can get.”

He stuffed the wig into his little motorcycle compartment and sped along the dirt road.

It seemed like they had been going _forever and ever and ever_ and Bella eventually spaced out while Jacob was talking and scratching behind his ear with his bare foot.

How she never saw the wolf in him is beyond all the readers and fans.

Jacob sniffed the air suddenly, and started howling. Which snapped Bella out of her extra vacant trance.

“What is it, boy?” she asked, jerking her head from side to side.

Jacob's mouthpiece fell out in the process of him howling, “I smell... _vampire._ ”

“Oh, it's probably just Eddy Poo. You know how concerned he gets.”

“You mean controlling.” Jacob corrected, then began growling under his breath.

“Don't tell me you're gonna transform.”

That's when it happened, suddenly Jacob was gone in a flash of fur and glittery, pale flesh. Bella heard the rolling of two bodies nearby—Bella grabbed ahold of the two bars, but had no idea what did what. With no one steering, the motorcycle wobbled and skidded along until she and the motorcycle fell over, the wheels still turning.

Bella heard the yaps of Jacob's true form—a chihuahua and Edward chasing it around in circles.

“Get back here you stupid—tu quiero Taco Bell?” He yelled, but Jacob dodged between his legs.

After pretend fainting, waiting for Edward to come be a superhero and throw the motorcycle off of her, counting to 100 Mississippi, Bella wiggled out from underneath the motorcycle on her own. Upset because no one came to rescue her in her Damsel in Distress state, she stomped over to them.

Jacob was on his back, naked, changed back, with Edward on top of him, holding his ankles.

“God damn it, I'm gonna fuck you so hard--”

Bella screamed.

They both looked at her in a panic, blushed, and quickly moved away from each other.

“I'm so sorry, Bella.”

Jacob covered his frontal junk with a nearby leaf, inching away from the two of them.

“Edward, I'm officially, _officially_ breaking up with you!”

Edward dropped to his knees, looked up into the gray sky, and as rain suddenly poured down on his face he shouted,

“BELLAAAA. BELLLAAAA!”

Bella ran away, kicking her butt with her feet all along the dirt road. The motorcycle was still on, and Jacob was still somewhere, very much naked.

 

TO BE CONTINUED. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even sure anymore.

Bella was at home, on her bed, crying, missing Eddy Poo. 

Edward was watching her cry from a dark corner, jacking off. 

He whimpered when he came, which caught Bella's attention. 

"Edward, is that you?" She squinted into the darkness, too dumb to turn on her room light. 

"No...." 

"Gross, Eddy Poo!" She threw a pillow at him, which he dodged effectively while zipping up his pants. 

"What? It's a natural reaction."

"Jasper told me you can't get hard!"

"I can't!"

"Then what the fuck were you doing?!"

"Singing you a song--" suddenly a stage light turned on, and Edward was on a stage in a top hat and a vest, sporting a cane in his hand while tapdancing. 

"Oh my honey, oh my darling, oh my ragtime gal~"

Bella tried to throw another pillow at him. He caught this one with his teeth. 

"Go away, I'm trying to live my miserable existence with my low self-esteem, while every guy I meet tries to vie for my attention." She pouted, crossing her arms on her chest. 

Edward got down on one knee. Bella thought: oh, not this crap again. 

"Will you marry me?" 

"Dude, I know you're old fashioned to the max, but like, no. I just want your P in my V."

"Humor me?"

Bella groaned, in a monotone, if that was possible. "Fine."

Edward pulled a string she didn't know was there, and confetti and balloons poured down from her ceiling. 

"How--?"

"I knew you'd say yes."

Moments later, Jacob, balder than your grandpa, came rushing in the room. "I knew I smelled vampire!"

Edward spun around on his tippy toes, "I knew I smell my lover! I mean, werewolf!"

Bella blinked. In a moment, the two were on each other, and seemed to be fighting. They were rolling around and grunting, and tearing at each other's clothes. 

Bella half-heartedly plead for them to stop. "Oh. Stop. You're hurting each other." (Think Daria, but with less emotion.)

After a few moments of moaning, clothes began to fly towards Bella's face. A shirt, a both pairs of pants--a thong? "What the hell?" She exclaimed, throwing the banana hammock as far away as she could from herself.   
The next thing she saw, she wished she could unsee. 

There they were: skin and muscle and flesh and blood writhing together on her bedroom floor. 

They were butt fucking. She knew there was serious sexual tension between those two. But on her floor? In her room? Seriously?

"GET A DIFFERENT ROOM!" She screamed, kicking one of them--she wasn't sure which, then stomped off. 

In the distance, one could hear Edward bellowing, "BELLAAAAA."

Outside, Bella found Jacob's dumbass motorcycle, kicked it, hurting her foot in the process, and flopped on the ground. 

"SOMEONE, treat me like a damn damsel in distress!" She demanded, stomping her feet. 

Suddenly, Voldemort appeared, dancing toward her. "I'm tired your shit. Your ruining my story. I flew all the damn way from Europe to shut you up." 

Bella was in shock. How could someone this ugly end up in my story, she asked herself. 

He held out his wand, shouting: Avada Kedavra! 

Bella was ded for the second time. She was getting real tired of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Alice can see into the future. I really don't remember. This was fun.


End file.
